Improv has been a moving force in my entire adult life. After much encouragement, I’m doing the damn thing. I’ve been going to jams at Third Coast Comedy club and volunteering in trade for classes. The more I go, the more funny morsels I find.
Reading that last bit may have you thinking that I find inspiration everywhere. It’s not true. The Muse of Inspo isn’t real. I blame Pinterest for most of its demise in everyone’s search for right party snacks and the perfect shade of gray to paint their kitchen.
Depression often tells me that I have nothing original to say. It lies and tells me I won’t ever be funny if I’m not self-depreciating first. Being funny takes practice and patience and… timing.
So, I’m going to share a thing I’ve been giggling at to myself over the last couple months. The point of this kind of writing is for my brain to live somewhere else for a while. It’s not self-deprecating. It does put a bee in the bonnet of some fifth graders and builds a higher pedestal for my cats.
You may not like it but don’t worry – I don’t need you to.
My Cat Is Smarter Than Your Fifth Grader
Hi, I’m Britt, the self-appointed advocate for the kid-less cat people in your life. We’re very bored with hearing about how smart you fifth grader is. I’ve been summoned today to tell you the truth… My cat is smarter than your fifth grader.
Yes, it’s an outline. Your fifth grader’s teacher told me that parents like these when there are curriculum changes and book reports on the horizon.
My cat makes its own schedule.
- It doesn’t need to send me a Google reminder every time it naps.
- I never have to worry about if it got enough sleep.
- It’s already taking a nap after eating breakfast AND sleeping through the night.
My cat doesn’t talk back or complain.
- We ignore each other unless we both need the blanket I’m using.
- It doesn’t ask me awkward questions about the things it heard on the bus coming home from school.
- There’s no noise about tummy aches or brain freezes.
My cat doesn’t seek validation, drugs or hugs.
- It can’t use a phone to call a drug dealer or plan a party while I’m out of town.
- The only time it requests interaction is when I have leftover milk in my cereal bowl. No, my cat isn’t lactose intolerant.
- It looks to other felines to debate the need for another season of Jessica Jones.
My cat understands my privacy needs.
- It doesn’t ask me why I’m buying another coloring book.
- It doesn’t ask me where I take its poop every three days.
- It doesn’t enter the bathroom while I’m in there.
- I do occasionally get an escort to and from the potty because Queens recognize Queens.
My cat is a minimalist.
- It regularly knocks things over that I have but don’t need on my shelves, or in my life.
- It only needs two toys but your kid clutters the house.
- It has a 4-collar capsule wardrobe.
My cat is generous.
- It brings me dead animals.
- I’m a terrible cat and enjoy animal sacrifices.
- It makes sure we match by transferring its hair ONLY my freshly laundered clothes.
- It only vomits when I’m not home.
As you can see, my cat is smarter than your fifth grader. The takeaway for your life right now is to rid yourself of that fifth grader and get a cat. If you have a dog AND child, well… I can’t even right now.