I’m keeping up with… me?

Daylight Savings usually messes with my mojo pretty badly but I’m doing better this month than I have in a long time. How is this possible?

1) Well, the sun is out most of the day now.
2) I am writing a lot and not worried about if it’s bad or not.
3) I’ve been vulnerable enough to open up and deal with my trauma.
4) I’ve been trying to figure out ways to make sure my cats live forever.
5) I’ve been going to improv jam nights and meeting people.
6) I’ve been published on a website that isn’t my own.

It’s a challenge to feel good all the time. It’s what social media tells us. It’s what our mothers and loved ones want more than anything: for us to feel good. It’s not always possible. Shocking, I know.

For a long time, I couldn’t tell you what I thought feeling good meant to me beyond physical sensations. I worked really hard to be skinny in college but gained it all back. My habits weren’t healthy. I wasn’t fulfilled in other meaningful or challenging ways. I was keeping up with an idea of who and what I wanted to be. My ideas were not and still aren’t always good. Again, shocking, I know.

After years of counseling and making efforts to challenge myself to feel better about life as it happens, I still have depression and anxiety. It’s hard to claim the space your brain takes away from you in these diagnoses. Sometimes I have no idea what I will accomplish most days but I make a plan to try anyway. I don’t always feel good about it.

Here’s the catch: While I’m not always feeling good, I do feel like myself most days. It’s the best. I am keeping up with myself. When I need a nap, I take one. When I’ve got an idea, I write it down or share it with someone. I take my meds. I wash my makeup off at night even if my laundry isn’t put away.

I hope you are finding ways to keep up with your needs. If you’re not, let me know how I can support you. Seriously, drop me a line.

What do you like? Are you doing it?

Oh, my feels.

How much time do you spend on things you enjoy doing? How much of that time is spent solo doing the things you enjoy?

I don’t know either.

I’ve had a difficult time figuring out what I enjoy doing lately because of the deceptive cocktail of depression, anxiety and a dash of Imposter Syndrome. I’ve made the decision to take care of my body as best I can by going to talk therapy, taking medication, seeing a chiropractor, and tasting my food rather than eating it.

Still, every day is a battle to decide what I like, love, and can live without as well as why these things matter. Sometimes the battle manifests as a panic attack. Other times, I have the urge to cancel plans and not leave the house.

But, there are these moments that come through like a sweeping wind and pushes me to the next step. When I see it, it can be an overwhelming feeling.

The next step might be showing up simply because I said I would. It might be writing and working through the trauma I want most to ignore.

Occasionally, I’ll overthink if I deserve to move past this sensation. It’s very hard in that moment to remember that depression lies to its victims.

What’s the point of this emotional bare all?

I want you to take time for yourself and decide what you want to spend time on. I know a lot of resources that might help you turn your self-care up to 11.

If you need to share in the struggle, it doesn’t make you weak. You are not alone. I’m always available too.